Today, I went and saw the therapist that I see. My plan was not to really talk about any thing. She started talking to me about if I feel like it was my fault and if I feel responsible for what they did to me. At first, I was really angry at her and thought I heard her saying that it was my fault that I was raped. That was not what she was saying at all. Next thing I knew, she was asking me about what happened when I was 11, 19, 23 and 25. I started to say the words and tell my truth. Then the tears started flowing. All of the grief, betrayal, anger, and sadness started coming out.
All I know is that nothing was done to the 16 year old who raped me when I was 11. Nothing was done to the two black men that raped me at University of Cincinnati and I was retaliated against for making that police report by the female police officer who told me that I deserved what they did to me since I was drinking underage.
When I reported I was raped in the Navy, I was immediately told that it was my fault. I was told that I deserved what he did because I was drunk and that entitled him to rape me. Next I was sent to be mentally evaluated by the chain of command. Third, I was sent to talk to a drug and alcohol chief because, “I had a problem drinking and that was why I was raped.” After that, I was sent to work in the garbage area at base while I was waiting for the investigation to be finished. Fifth thing was when the command had safety stand down and the chain of command was blaming me for being raped. Sixth was when I was called in to talk to Master Chief and she told me that they believed me but there was nothing they could do. Here was my orders to the Reagan.
Once I got to the Reagan more retaliation and emotionally abuse started. When we are out to sea, there is no where to go on a ship. There is no one to talk to. There is no one that cares. I was stuck in the abuse until we got back to the pier. I was told that I was fat. I was told that I was going to be kicked out. I was called a liar. I was told that the UCMJ did not apply to me. I was told that I was lying about my knee. I was sent to anger management with men who abused their wives. I was sent to Fitness Enhancement Program. I was told that I was going to talk to a man about being raped. I started to cut and burn my arms.
This becomes that much more painful in 2012, when the rapist sent me an email admitting to raping me. What he said to me is in black and white and still NCIS does nothing. That is what destroyed me and caused so much more grief, anger, and pain. Then when I got that phone call from Special Agent and she says, “We do not care what he admitted to in his email. We have to investigate you. We have to know who all you slept with and about any other reports you have ever made.” That is when I fell apart, was screaming on the telephone and threw the telephone across the room. Post Traumatic Stress became a major issue. Triggered into full depression, self harm and wanting to commit suicide.
The government owes me real health care by outside providers that actually care about their patients. They owe me money for all of the pain and suffering. They owe me money for all of the money I have spent in therapy. They owe me money since I am not able to work any more. They owe me an apologize for defending a rapist, promoting a rapist and allowing him to rape more women. They owe me and the American people an explanation of why they defend, protect and promote a rapist.
Was at counseling appointment,
Therapist looked at me and told me to
Stop writing my poetry and not to talk about
Writing my poetry is the way
I get out what I am feeling,
I am not good at talking about what happened,
I immediately left my body and shutdown,
I came home, got my blanket, turned on calming music
And started crying.
When therapist said that to me, I immediately heard
What Ryan said to me,
What my mom said to me,
What the two guys at UC said to me,
What the police officer said to me,
What Josh said to me,
What Damon said to me,
What chain of command said to me,
What NCIS said to me,
I went to bed early,
Cried myself to sleep.
I am still feeling distant, detached from myself,
I do not trust anyone.
Afraid to say anything anymore.
Will not be reaching out anymore.