Past Two Weeks

The past two in a half weeks I have learned a lot about myself. What I have learned is that I am where I am at in my healing journey. That I have been an advocate for myself. I have spoken my truth and stood up for myself when I have needed to. I have learned that there are somethings that will take me right back to that dark place. I learned that there are triggers that I can avoid  and some that I can not.

It is a process of putting one foot in front of the other. I am continuing to move forward in my healing journey. I know when to reach out for help. I know when to retreat back into myself. I am learning that allowing myself to cry is very healing for me. I have learned that I have every right to be angry. I am grieving many losses that the six men that raped me took away from me and this is a process. Complex PTSD is not an easy thing to live with or deal with. Every day, I have to do what I need to do to take care of myself.

I can not expect everything to be perfect. I can not expect myself to be totally healed with everything that I have been through. It’s normal for me to push people away and not want any one to see me like this. It’s normal for me to have had the response that I have had. It’s normal for me to want to reach out and get more help. I can not do this alone. No one should have to take this journey alone.

So I continue on this healing journey and I am still getting my feet back under me.

Constant Fight With VA to Get Care

Since last Monday, it has been a constant fight to get care from the VA. I have been in PTSD since the pelvic exam. I tried my best to prevent this from happening. So this past week, I have been on the telephone with them fighting for care. I have talked to MST corodinator. I have talked to suicide prevention officer. I have talked to someone in the Directors office. I have talked to several treatment facilities that specialize in PTSD that are no way connected to the VA.

I found out that treatment facilities cost 38,500 to 58,000 for inpatient treatment for PTSD and that these facilities are making a profit off of people being raped and having PTSD.  That did not sit well with me. Then today, I wrote two different letters to the Director of the Durham VA and another one to several Senators and Representatives. I faxed these letters and mailed them to them. It should not be like this to get care. I am beyond enraged.

I have been flooded with emotions since last Monday. I have flooded with flashbacks, nightmares, been crying every day, multiple times a day. I have pulled away from friends. I do not want to bother any one when I am like this.  Tomorrow see therapist and hoping that some how changes the space I am in.

I keep coming back to this, “I did not enlist to be raped. I did not enlist to be retaliated against. I did not enlist to be emotionally abused. I did not enlist to be betrayed, shamed, told that I am nothing. I did not enlist to be abused by an institution. I did not ask to lose my career and watch them protect, promote, abuse me and let him continue to serve and raped others.  This constant fight with the VA is no good for me and continues the abuse from when I was raped and all of the other abuse that i have gotten from the chain of command and society. ”

It should not be like this.

I am, where I am: A new poem written this morning.

Tears flowing,
Birds chirping,
taking deep breaths,
listening to sounds of nature
petting Giddy,
Tears flowing,
The fight is over,
The grief is there,
The anger is there,
The betrayal is there,
The rage is there,
want to let all of this go,
Tears still flowing,
Emotionally exhausted,
Physically exhausted,
Spirituality exhausted,
Take some deep breaths
and more tears flow,
doing what I can to ground
and allow what needs to happen
to happen.
Be kind and gentle to myself,
I am where I am.

Open Letter to House of Representative’s and Senators

The open letter that I wrote to Representatives and Senators.

Journey Back To Myself

Dear Representative’s and Senators:

I am writing you today because I am more then fed up with you and your staff. I am a woman. I have been raped multiple times.  I have been advocating since 2012 after the man that raped me sent me an email and NCIS did nothing about what he said in his email. I am writing you because you will hear what I have to say. I am done with military bearing. I am done being nice to you.

I am the Navy Veteran that sent you my service medals, along with two other peoples service medals,  and brought the reminder of the Navy crap to your office. I am the one that wrote my truth in the book, The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey. I am the one that was raped and know perfectly well what the chain of command does…

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Nurse practitioners and physician’s that do pelvic exams on rape survivors should read this. They should know how to be caring. They should know when a patient calls and asks for a medication before hand for a pelvic exam that they should listen and hear them. They should be trained as SANE nurses and doctors.

Journey Back To Myself

The nightmare of PTSD is that one never knows what is going to trigger it. One never knows how one is going to respond in a situation and I have learned to try to keep my triggers at a minimum level.  But there are some things that I can not control and tried to do the best I could with this particular incident that has thrown me into full blown PTSD since Monday.

One would think that reaching out and telling medical professionals your truth would be a good thing. That these medical professionals would be supportive and want to help you in any way possible. I thought that the conversation had went well. I thought that we were all on the same page.

It all started when I went to the VA to get my ankle checked out. The Nurse Practitioner noticed that I had not done a pap…

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